So for four years today I have been holding on to a thing that's dead. And I don't mean in the metephoric sense of the word. I literally mean a dead person. One of my closest friends passed away today four years ago. And for the life of me I couldn't get over him. When something went wrong or super exciting happened in my life, I always miss him the most.
He was a friend, turned lover....and get your minds out the gutter. We never had any sexual relations or anything like that. But when I once believed in soulmates, it was because of him. He was just that super sweet guy. The guy that was sweet with just the right amount of rough around the edges. The first day we hung out was a night I'll never forget. You remember when Facebook was once cool? Well back then I always got on my Facebook and took those long surveys about your likes and dislikes and posted them to my page. Well in one of those surveys I listed what my idea of the ideal first date would be (and I'm so corny so bare with me)..long walk on the beach, picnic, endless talking and laughing, watching the sunset. I told you not to laugh! ... Well that first time we got to hang out...he did all that. Right in the back of Morgan State campus. Lol ... If you went to morgan you know that little creek by OC. Well that was our beach. He had subway (from the student center), we laughed and talked, and stayed until the stars were out just talking. From that day...he had me.
There was a lot of the rough around the edges that went on though. But we were great friends. We have a circle of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Friendships that I'm glad I made and glad that he was apart of. Then the months leading up to his death, we reconnected. Like we picked up as if we never missed a day at that creek. He asked me to move to philly with him and I was strongly considering it. The day of his death we were planning on linking up but I decided that I wanted to go to church instead. I told him I would see him tomorrow. Well he never made it to tomorrow.
The weird thing is...I knew it. When I was a child my mom always told me that if you wake up frantic in the middle of the night to pray. God is waking you up on the behalf of someone else and wants you to pray for them in your heavenly language. Well that's what happened that night. I woke up out of a dream of someone being taken away from me. The persons face was blacked out and I had no idea who it was. Thought nothing of it and rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning I was calling him to make sure our date was still on and kept getting the voicemail. My gut kept telling me "he was the reason from your dream" ... But I never prayed.
I have held on to that for so long. I've cried myself to sleep over it off and on for 4 years. God was waking me to pray for him and possibly save his life with my prayer and I didn't do it. How selfish are we sometimes? How can we live on this earth telling God we want to be his vessels but when we call on him we roll over!? Will's birthday was October 7th. On that day I decided to let it go. I can't continue to hold on to this anymore. Yes God woke me up to pray and yes he wanted to use me, but I missed it! We all miss it. But we can't blame ourselves. We have to get up, repent, and wait for him to wake us up again.
The last time I talked to Will he said something to me that I've never forgot. He asked me "Easy E, what do you want from life? Where are you going? You always have big dreams E tell me what they are?" ... I responded back "I don't know babe?" ... He said to me "that can't be right E. You always know. If there is anybody out here that knows what they want its you. You always got a plan. You always know what you want from life. What's wrong with you man?" ......
Well now I know. I know that I want to change the world. I want to make an impact. I want to help kids and reach families and single moms. I know that I want to share God with everyone and show them his goodness. I want to make everyone's dreams come true. But in order to do that, I must let this go. In order to be change you must first change. Today hasn't been hard at all. Granted I just cussed out my boyfriend over some spaghetti but otherwise I'm having a pretty good day. I've been blessed to have met someone so amazing and for him to have made a strong impression on my life. I wouldn't change that for the world. I woke up today and said I wouldn't cry over this. But I'm crying now. But they are different tears. Tears of happiness, relief, strength, joy, and victory. The next time God wakes you up...please listen to him!