There has been so much reflecting in my life these few months. Mostly because I am just not good at all at making my own choices. I have realized that probably for the last two years I have been making choices purely based on what others have wanted for me. Not doing anything that makes me happy. I have, for the most part, put my entire self on hold to please other people.
There are so many things I want from my life. So many untold stories that I feel like I could have finished but didn’t. All because I couldn’t or wouldn’t let someone else down. I had the pleasure of talking to someone this weekend, because once again I couldn’t make my own decision, he gave me some amazing advice. I need to just do what I want to do. But I need to figure out what that really is. I don’t even know anymore how to go about making my own choices.
It has been so bad that even when I pray to get a clear answer from God on what to do, I hear nothing. Then I started to think, what if God is telling me to do the same thing. Maybe I am not hearing anything because he isn’t going to tell me. Doesn’t the bible say “God gives you the desires of your heart”? Are my true desires my answers? There are all these areas in my life that I have wanted to explore. And there is no reason that I have not set out to do them. For the longest, I haven’t even been able to figure out why I desire some things so much. They don’t even mean that much to me, or so I thought. But then when I am faced with not even being able to do them, I’m sad. I start to question why I care so much. I believe that is because those desires are placed there by God. There are things that he wants me to do that he knows I will love and that will at the same time get his will done on earth. I just take these desires for granted.
But today it seems like the only things I have left. While talking and expressing myself this weekend, I was asked a very thought provoking question. “What would you feel like if you continue down this road and stay where you are based on the people around you? How would it make you feel years from now knowing that there were things you wanted to explore but you never did?” My answer: DISAPPOINTED! I would be so disappointed with myself. For never getting to really know my full potential. Where I could have ended up. The lives I could have changed. Talking all this out helped me to release so many desires that I didn’t even know I really had until I was really asked to express what I wanted. Some things are surface passions like traveling, having a family, and so forth. But others were changes I wanted to see in the world, lives I wanted to touch, and people I wanted to effect.
I’m 28 years old and I haven’t learned how to put me first because of what people will think. I’m so scared of letting people down and having my life judged that I am risking my happiness. I close my eyes most nights and imagine all the things that are deep inside of me. I can see it so clear!! Now I just have to actually open my eyes and do it!