I need to apologize. I have been neglecting the blog because I have been stressed out about my situationship. I call it that because I don't have a boyfriend but there is a guy. A guy that I've been talking to for a year. A whole freaking year. And I've just been stressed with wanting more. I hardly ever want a relationship. I'm the type of girl who likes to take it slow. But in this case it's so different.
Have you ever met someone who you feel like you connect with? Someone who you have much in common with? Someone who drives you completely insane that you argue all the time. And then three hours later you text them "wyd", "come see me", or "are you watching..."? Well that's us. When we fight we fight. But when it's good it's great. I've been telling him that I wanted more for a couple weeks now. Like I want to take the next step, granted I'm the reason we are so far behind in the game now. But I'm ready to move past that and go forward.
When I tell him I want more he tells me that I don't have the time. Well that's sorta true I guess. I have a child. I'm not the one that will up and leave my baby to hang out with a guy. For the past few months I have been having weekend off and weekend on. So on my off weekend I'm free to see him and have all the time. But it seems like those are always the weekends when we are at each other's throat. Now granted we will fight, yell, and scream, but that is no reason for us not to hang out. We will be mad and still see each other. But it just pissed me off when he said I don't have time.
What do guys want from single moms? For starters you knew I was a mother when we met. Then on top of that if we are working towards something you would think that you would respect that I wasn't up and running out on my child. I'm not some fly by night type of girl (I only said that because that's some stupid phrase one of my BFFS used in her argument with her guy this week, shout out to Nana). But really I'm not. Nobody comes before my child. And if we were moving forward then maybe it would be easier for me to set up a babysitter or take a day off here or there. But to take a day off during my weekend with him you would need to show me it's worth it.
Now this leaves us at the "when can he meet the kid part". Well unless we are serious and moving towards marriage there is no meet the kid. Not in my book. I have had an ex meet my son and they both held a special place in each other's heart. And when he left (we are still friends today no cruel breakup) my heart was broken. For both of them. They both loved each other very much. I can't ever do that again. So that means that my time is a little limited for sure. But I don't get the big deal. Every other weekend I'm telling you I can't play. So go play with your friends. Go hang with the boys. Isn't that what every guy wants? The chill girl that allows him to have his space?
But I don't know what to do in this situationship. Honestly I'm fully invested. Like I want this to go all the way. But at this point I can't keep defending my time. You either understand it or I have to date someone who does. But all that hurts because I don't want anyone else. And anyone who knows me knows I don't ever just talk to one guy at a time. When I'm single I'm single. I like to hang out and get to know people. But with him it's different, at this point anyway. With him he makes me not want to even think about anybody else.
We stopped talking for two weeks once. And I mean every waking minute of my day I was thinking about him. What he was doing, if he watched our show last night, if he heard about his team and all their injuries, just everything. When something happened I wanted to text him. When I woke up or went to sleep I wanted to talk to him first. I hardly ever go through these motions with guys.
I guess it's been stressing me out so much because I've burned all my bridges of people to talk to about him. My best friends have had enough. My sisters too. I have a friend that's in the same boat with me in her situationship and I think that we are slowly driving each other nuts. So here I am. Getting it off my chest. Telling you guys. Releasing it out into the world.
I just don't know. We have been so rockey the last two months that I feel like I'm walking right into a wall. But for some reason I want to walk through the wall and come out on the other side still. Am I nuts?