It's so hard for me to be with the right person. There is a perfectly great guy that loves me with all his heart, well did in march, who knows if he does now though. I totally get it if he doesn't. I mean I'm so back and forth with my feelings. One minute I'm head over heels for him and the next I'm not sure that I can love him the way he loves me. But every so often I think about him. I remember how great he is and I regret that I ever let him go. And it's not like that feeling you get because you are desperate for love or because you feel lonely. It's the feeling you get when u come to yourself and say "what am I thinking, this guy is amazing!"
Well I got that feeling a few nights ago. Matter of fact it was after I wrote my blog post about best friends. I was thinking that I wanted to wake up and call him and talk about everything that I was feeling. Then I thought, nah I can't call him. He probably hates me. I've hurt him one too many times by not wanting him. How much more can he take. So I didn't call. But for the last week he's been on my brain. And I can't seem to shake it. For the last two months I've been going on dates and trying to get to know someone and then finding out they aren't for me and cutting them off. And when I think about him I think, gosh why can't I ever love Mr. perfect? Why can't I be happy with the guy that puts the smile on my face, the guy that was the only one good enough to meet my son, the guy that treats me right, loves me more than anything. And it's because I don't know how much I'm worth.
One of my good friends told me that I didn't know my worth. And I really believe that. Sometimes I don't see myself the way I should. I don't understand how I deserve to be treated. I don't allow myself to be loved the way that I should. How do you change that? Like how do I allow him to love me? How do I allow myself to love him? I'd rather love the idiot who talks to me like I'm anything than love the guy that wants to give me the world. All of which sucks because this would be our third sorta fourth run at this thing. And to be honest, I'm too scared to even begin to have this talk with him. He has all right to hate me. Shoot I would hate me. Just playing with his emotions and hurting him each time. I have decided these last few weeks to pray about every choice I make these days. So that's what I'm going to do. Pray about it and put it in God's hands. This might not be the will of God for my life. I really don't know.
Of course I run this past my mother and she's like so for it. I ran it past one of my friends and she says "he was a sexy good one, you know good ones don't usually come cute" lol. But it's still like I don't know. Matters of the heart man. Is the third time really a charm?