I've been asking myself for the last three months, "what am I doing wrong"? Like seriously. I literally asked myself that over and over every night for three months straight. And I couldn't figure it out. I was doing pretty much everything right. Not that I got everything right. Of course there were mistakes along the way. Of course I hit a wall here and there. But mostly I have done it all right.
I got rid of the baggage that was holding me back! I decided I needed to put God first and I even got back into my mode of praying. Then all of a sudden things started to go dark. It was like as soon as I said "I'm gonna do the right thing" everything fell apart. I couldn't see up from down.
But in the mist of any storm, there is always cloudy skies. Gray days! But when I tell you that the days just got darker and darker, I'm not lying. I remember talking to my friend on the phone and just being so transparent but not really. All I kept telling him was "I'm so stressed, but I don't even act like it". I was literally a walking time bomb but all the things around me hadn't set me off yet.
It was the weirdest thing. My mom asked me how haven't I lost my mind yet. And I couldn't find the answer to that question. I literally didn't know how I was still standing. I had no clue how I was making it. Of course by the grace of God. That day on the phone with my friend, telling him every thought that went through my head, even the ones that made no sense, and crying. I just cried. I'm not sure he even knew it. But while talking there were waterworks of tears. But then I hung up the phone. Got Camden out the car. And we went to play with the Man In the Sand.
All that just to find out, that I wasn't doing anything wrong. My cousin, also my closest friend, explained to me my struggle. I wasn't wrong for feeling how I felt. I wasn't wrong for doing the things I did, but I was wrong for thinking God had forsaken me. For believing that I was too good to go through anything. I was wrong for feeling like I was alone in this. I was wrong for not seeking him more in my storm. As wrong for not being open to hear his voice. But I wasn't wrong in the sense that I put myself in this situation.
Sometimes we want to figure out what we did. We want to know what we could do better. Shoot, I said I've been trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. And yes of course we could all pray more, seek God more, or any of the above. But we aren't being taken through the storm all the time for what we aren't doing.
My cousin told me I was going through this because of the call of God on my life. Anybody with a call goes through a storm. It's starting to look like my storm is coming to an end. After I got off the phone with my cousin a new job opened up for me and I started 3 days later. Once I stopped pointing the finger at me and started lifting my hands towards him, the sun started to shine through all the gray clouds.
Someone told me that my blog post have become some preachy lately. Maybe that's because I'm starting to realize my purpose. Maybe because as I figure myself out and as Camden grows up, it's less about a "single mom's every day issue". It's more about just what's real.
I ended my last relationship because I woke up one day wanting so much more than what was sitting in front of me. I wanted more than fame and fortune. I wanted more than turning up and being out all night. More than a reckless life full of sin. I woke up wanting the promise. I woke up wanting better. I ended my last relationship because we wanted two different things and I couldn't go on pretending that I was happy anymore. Was he a great guy, of course he was. Was he sweet and caring and fun, yes! But every day I woke up, I hated the person I was turning into. The person that I allowed myself to become. Everyone has their issues. And as he very well stated in his final text to me "hope you can find someone who will be able to deal with all your issues" ... I hope I can too. Someone who will continue to want to wake up and be better!
All that to say this:
Everyone goes through a storm, but that doesn't mean you caused it! Just means it's your turn.