We have reached this stage in our relationship. Have I mentioned I'm in a relationship? Long story so let's just skip to the part that has me writing this post.
I've never felt like this before. Well no that's not true. I've been head over heels in love before. But I took that for granted. Thought I had all the time in the world with him until he passed away the night he asked me to drop everything and be with him. Which leaves me where I am today. I nolonger believe in waiting for love. I don't believe in set times and the misconception that you have to set a schedule for when to fall for someone. But maybe my past has caused me to rush my current relationship.
This isn't me throwing off on him either. I respect how he feels even if he thinks I don't because I don't agree. I know what he means when he says he's not ready to be a dad. I get that. I understand what he's saying when he says "what if we don't last and I've already fallen in love with your son?". I totally get that too. But I just keep thinking WHAT IF WE DO! What if this is it for us? What if you're the guy and I'm the girl? What if you are my life partner? Why not start today. Why wait months to meet camden because of the what ifs? We can't control what happens in our future. We are still getting to know each other. This is true. But I have only let one guy I've ever dated meet my son. And they hit it off. And I dont regret that happening. I cherish those moments. They were good for each other. And it was good for me to see what could have been my life. I need to know how you interact with my son. I need to know if you are good with him.
I think for me it's hard to feel so much love for a person and not know if they can feel that for my son. It's like I want to know if that part of my life will be just as great together with this part of my life (camden). I can't keep living two lives. I can't have one seperate from the other. It's too much for a single mom. It would be different if camden had a dad that was there. Then I could only see him on the weekends that I don't have camden. But because I don't have that there are multiple times when I have to pick between hanging with camden and going out with him. And it breaks my heart every time because one of the two is being neglected. For instance, I have a Saturday off which I never have anymore. And I don't know what to do. It would be easier to just say "Let's ALL go out Saturday" .... But because he hasn't met camden and isn't ready yet I feel horrible that I can't spend that off day with him. Now granted he's no jerk. He knows that I will pick camden over him every time. And he respects that. But it's not the point that he gets it. Because it's me who feels like crap. It's me that wants my life to be a little easier. Even more so since we say we want to get married and spend our life together.
He feels like I'm putting pressure on him. That I'm forcing it. And maybe I am a little. But I don't know how to stop bringing it up because it's an issue for me. It's important to me. This isn't some one time fight that we can both say "whatever" to. This is a child. He isn't going anywhere so neither is the problem. I don't want to pressure him. I really don't. But I don't want him to feel like this is a situation we can just sit around on for a long time either because I can't. I can't continue to grow with someone and not know if he can grow with my son.
He feel like meeting camden is him signing up to be a dad because he knows that he will love camden as his own and he's just not ready to take that step yet. And I just don't know how long I'm pose to wait for him to be ready. I guess things would be easier if time told us when to just do things 😢