I haven't wrote about motherhood lately. Probably because I've felt like I haven't been the best mom. My job has taken all my free time. And so has my new relationship. And to top it off I haven't had a thing nice to say about Kodi so I just don't say anything at all.
It seems like lately I've been fighting for everything. Fighting to keep my relationship afloat. Fighting to make time for Camden. Fighting myself to hold back on going off on Camden's dad. Every time I turn around im putting on a pair of boxing gloves. And here we are approaching a new year. Ugh! For some reason I'm fighting that too! I'm not the one that's like "this year im cutting everybody off". But I feel like that's where I'm actually headed. I need to detox myself of all the people in my life.
This isn't one of those "it's not me, it's them" post....I'm very aware that the issue is me! I'm not strong enough to walk away from ppl. Ever since I can remember people have walked out or away from me. And I've sworn I'd never do that to a person. If you want to be done with me then you make that choice. I'll just follow it out. But this year I feel like I need to walk away. I need to let some people go.
For starters Camden's dad. I need to completely let go and let God. Not just him but his whole family. It stresses me out. How can you love someone but let them down? How can you give life to a child and not be there for them? How can you say one thing but do another? It's just too much. It pisses me off because I know that feeling and I don't want camden to have to feel that. So I'm leaving this situation in 2014.
Then there is my job. Something has to give. And I'm praying that the speech I have already in my head goes over well with my manager. Because nothing comes before camden. I need more time with him. My mom said something to me that stuck. "Camden can't have two parents that are missing in action". Even though I'm just at work and sometimes on a date, I can't neglect him because he doesn't know neglect from me. From his dad yes, but from me it's shocking. I use to have ample time with him. Now my work schedule limits that. But not in 2015!
My relationship....well he would kill me if i dished on here...but just put it this way...2015 I'm not starting like 2014! Things are gonna change. Some things that will hurt me and ones that will hurt him, but in the long run better for the both of us!
I vow to be a better person .... What do you vow to do?