9/8/2015 0 Comments ReflectingThere has been so much reflecting in my life these few months. Mostly because I am just not good at all at making my own choices. I have realized that probably for the last two years I have been making choices purely based on what others have wanted for me. Not doing anything that makes me happy. I have, for the most part, put my entire self on hold to please other people. There are so many things I want from my life. So many untold stories that I feel like I could have finished but didn’t. All because I couldn’t or wouldn’t let someone else down. I had the pleasure of talking to someone this weekend, because once again I couldn’t make my own decision, he gave me some amazing advice. I need to just do what I want to do. But I need to figure out what that really is. I don’t even know anymore how to go about making my own choices. It has been so bad that even when I pray to get a clear answer from God on what to do, I hear nothing. Then I started to think, what if God is telling me to do the same thing. Maybe I am not hearing anything because he isn’t going to tell me. Doesn’t the bible say “God gives you the desires of your heart”? Are my true desires my answers? There are all these areas in my life that I have wanted to explore. And there is no reason that I have not set out to do them. For the longest, I haven’t even been able to figure out why I desire some things so much. They don’t even mean that much to me, or so I thought. But then when I am faced with not even being able to do them, I’m sad. I start to question why I care so much. I believe that is because those desires are placed there by God. There are things that he wants me to do that he knows I will love and that will at the same time get his will done on earth. I just take these desires for granted. But today it seems like the only things I have left. While talking and expressing myself this weekend, I was asked a very thought provoking question. “What would you feel like if you continue down this road and stay where you are based on the people around you? How would it make you feel years from now knowing that there were things you wanted to explore but you never did?” My answer: DISAPPOINTED! I would be so disappointed with myself. For never getting to really know my full potential. Where I could have ended up. The lives I could have changed. Talking all this out helped me to release so many desires that I didn’t even know I really had until I was really asked to express what I wanted. Some things are surface passions like traveling, having a family, and so forth. But others were changes I wanted to see in the world, lives I wanted to touch, and people I wanted to effect. I’m 28 years old and I haven’t learned how to put me first because of what people will think. I’m so scared of letting people down and having my life judged that I am risking my happiness. I close my eyes most nights and imagine all the things that are deep inside of me. I can see it so clear!! Now I just have to actually open my eyes and do it! 9/2/2015 5 Comments What a dayI’m having writers block. I have so much I want to say but it doesn’t seem to come out right. Or it either doesn’t seem important. On one side, I am very upset about lies that were spoken today and the friend that I had to cut off in the process. Not really upset with the cutting the friend off part or the lie. More so that I allowed this to happen. I don’t know why I keep trusting people. I honestly feel like the only people I need and can trust are my family. I hate that I continue to try with these others. Every time it seems to prove that it’s impossible for me. And I say for me because I have just come to grips with the fact that either I can’t pick good friends or I’m not meant to have them at all. Either way I am at my wits end with the whole thing so consider me friendless! Then there was the stupid doctor’s office visit that I had to make yesterday. To fix yet another one of their mistakes. Which I hate when I have to get black on people. I honestly love Camden’s pediatrician. She does a great job and I like that she is all extra earthy. BUT…..if their office goes one more time without returning my phone calls I’m going to have to take him elsewhere. This was the third time that I needed to call them for them to fix one of their mistakes and NEVER got a call back. I was so frustrated. I literally yelled at them until they fixed it. Which I do not recommend because when it was all said and done I made a complete fool out of myself and even though they fixed what I needed I was totally embarrassed. I don’t even know where to begin in this regard. Because I don’t feel like there was anything done wrong per say. Sometimes things come across or are said differently than we anticipate. Believe it or not, not everything said that needs to be said comes easy. There are topics and people that can make telling them a thing the hardest thing ever. Have you ever been so sure about something and wanted to do the right thing? Then when the time comes you feel like you have to take baby steps to admit it or sugar coat it? I guess this situation just made me feel like ‘why not just put it all out there’. As much as people hate the truth, the fact is the truths always taste better than the sugar coated version. 9/2/2015 0 Comments The new jobI usually wouldn’t blog about something like this, HA! Who am I kidding? I blog about everything. So I’m the new girl at work. And I think everyone has taken a great liking to me. They are very family oriented. I mean we all eat lunch together and hang out for the whole hour. Where do they do that? But I think I enjoy it. Anyhow, there is this deli that we all walk to outside our building. Literally we all walk there even if we aren’t buying anything to eat. So today I got the pulled pork meal. I must say it was really great. That was about three hours ago. So I’m sitting here as my stomach is rolling over and decided to make a run for the bathroom because everyone was in a meeting. I get in there and put down that paper seat because this calls for a little more than a squat. I go to give it a courtesy flush when my coworker walks right in. I can tell from her cheetah shoes exactly who it is. And you know when you not done, like you know you can’t just be like “ok I’ll end this one now and pick it up later”. It wasn’t that type of pulled pork. So I had to finish. I kept thinking “the second round is always worse than the first”. Either way I finished up. And of course we walk out the stalls together. We both are washing our hands and I say to her “So are you ready for happy hour tonight”, LOL! 8/23/2015 0 Comments When you realize it wasn't you!I've been asking myself for the last three months, "what am I doing wrong"? Like seriously. I literally asked myself that over and over every night for three months straight. And I couldn't figure it out. I was doing pretty much everything right. Not that I got everything right. Of course there were mistakes along the way. Of course I hit a wall here and there. But mostly I have done it all right. I got rid of the baggage that was holding me back! I decided I needed to put God first and I even got back into my mode of praying. Then all of a sudden things started to go dark. It was like as soon as I said "I'm gonna do the right thing" everything fell apart. I couldn't see up from down. But in the mist of any storm, there is always cloudy skies. Gray days! But when I tell you that the days just got darker and darker, I'm not lying. I remember talking to my friend on the phone and just being so transparent but not really. All I kept telling him was "I'm so stressed, but I don't even act like it". I was literally a walking time bomb but all the things around me hadn't set me off yet. It was the weirdest thing. My mom asked me how haven't I lost my mind yet. And I couldn't find the answer to that question. I literally didn't know how I was still standing. I had no clue how I was making it. Of course by the grace of God. That day on the phone with my friend, telling him every thought that went through my head, even the ones that made no sense, and crying. I just cried. I'm not sure he even knew it. But while talking there were waterworks of tears. But then I hung up the phone. Got Camden out the car. And we went to play with the Man In the Sand. All that just to find out, that I wasn't doing anything wrong. My cousin, also my closest friend, explained to me my struggle. I wasn't wrong for feeling how I felt. I wasn't wrong for doing the things I did, but I was wrong for thinking God had forsaken me. For believing that I was too good to go through anything. I was wrong for feeling like I was alone in this. I was wrong for not seeking him more in my storm. As wrong for not being open to hear his voice. But I wasn't wrong in the sense that I put myself in this situation. Sometimes we want to figure out what we did. We want to know what we could do better. Shoot, I said I've been trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. And yes of course we could all pray more, seek God more, or any of the above. But we aren't being taken through the storm all the time for what we aren't doing. My cousin told me I was going through this because of the call of God on my life. Anybody with a call goes through a storm. It's starting to look like my storm is coming to an end. After I got off the phone with my cousin a new job opened up for me and I started 3 days later. Once I stopped pointing the finger at me and started lifting my hands towards him, the sun started to shine through all the gray clouds. Someone told me that my blog post have become some preachy lately. Maybe that's because I'm starting to realize my purpose. Maybe because as I figure myself out and as Camden grows up, it's less about a "single mom's every day issue". It's more about just what's real. I ended my last relationship because I woke up one day wanting so much more than what was sitting in front of me. I wanted more than fame and fortune. I wanted more than turning up and being out all night. More than a reckless life full of sin. I woke up wanting the promise. I woke up wanting better. I ended my last relationship because we wanted two different things and I couldn't go on pretending that I was happy anymore. Was he a great guy, of course he was. Was he sweet and caring and fun, yes! But every day I woke up, I hated the person I was turning into. The person that I allowed myself to become. Everyone has their issues. And as he very well stated in his final text to me "hope you can find someone who will be able to deal with all your issues" ... I hope I can too. Someone who will continue to want to wake up and be better! All that to say this: Everyone goes through a storm, but that doesn't mean you caused it! Just means it's your turn. 7/3/2015 0 Comments The BluesYou wake up one day and your whole life is figured out. You know where you are going, what lies ahead of you and the direction your headed in. Then you close your eyes and wake up again...and poof! Different life completely! Tonight I feel like I have completely lost myself. I was in this great relationship, had the best job, a lot of money in the bank, a church full of people that supported me, and a family I could count on. Then I wake up and POOF! Where did it all go?! Who's left for me? It's just me! I'm here alone, with a helpless child. I have the two of us to care for, and I have no idea where to pick up and begin. It's like I woke up in desert storm. No idea what to do next, but I have to do something. Smh! Then I run and pray. Thinking that will make it better. Well I know it will. But right now it just brings everything to surface, it just reminds me of the drama that's in front of me. I'm full of drama. Where do I begin!? I have no clue. And the funny thing is, I'm not depressed. Do I miss somethings, yea! Do I wish life didn't take a big huge turn to the left, of course. But I'm not pissed about it. I just don't know what to do from here. There are those days I truly miss my old life more than I can stand. And other days when I don't care. But what to do, what to do! I have no clue. I'm at a concert right now. And all I can do is think about my ex. Smh! So I decided to write! Well here are my feelings. Grammar mistakes and all. No proof reading needed. Oh well! ✌🏼️ 6/23/2015 1 Comment Fever Spike!So yesterday was interesting to say the least. Started out crazy and ended even crazier. Woke up and headed to six flags with Camden. We got season passes so we can go every few weeks. On our way there we got turned around and an hour later we were finally walking into the park (a whole other story). We had a blast at the park. I got a tan and Camden was worn out. At around 4 we decided that we wanted to go see Jurrassic World. (I strongly encourage everyone to go see it, great movie!) We had already reached the end of the day and I hadn't really noticed, at this point, that Camden had developed a fever. It was about 90 degrees outside, everything I touched seemed hot. Half way through the movie Camden was hot. And by hot I mean I knew from touching him that his tempature was at least 103. Once I got home I took his tempature. And gave him some Tylenol. After that we headed to the hospital. We arrived there at 9:45pm. This is where the story gets real. At this point they take his tempature upon arrival and it has went down since the Tylenol to 101. We take our seats and wait for the long drawn (shout out to my Philly friends) process. The guy beside us was in the room waiting for his son to be seen from an allergic bee sting. He had been waiting hours. As we sit there I think to myself "this shouldn't take long, I have a child with an 103 degree tempature". After three hours, two infants who couldn't breathe, and a man passing kidney stones we had still not been seen! Before I becided even to walk out there were people who had bugs crawling on them, bugs biting them, and spiders in their seats. Camden's fever had been went down and he was sleep for an hour. Within that hour nobody had been called to the back to be seen. Right when I was walking out and decided that we would just see the doctor in the morning, they finally called a lady that had been waiting two hour before I had ever even arrived. I saw no end in sight. As a mother with a sick baby this highly upset me. How could you have a child with a tempature of 103 never be seen in a three hour time frame? I had been advised not to go to the hospital in the first place and as I drove home, I wish I had listened to him. I took my baby home and at 3am he was up again with a high tempature of 103. Today we woke up and went straight to the doctor and found out that he has strep throat. The nurses were just as upset as me to find out that the hospital didn't see him with such a high tempature. So this is my public service announcement: DO NOT GO TO SOUTHERN MARYLAND HOSPITAL! Those two babies who were sick, newborns at that, weren't seen right away either! The one mother had to scream out "my baby can't breathe, my baby can't breathe"! Never once did they ask the guy passing the stones if he wanted anything to ease the pain or take him right back as he screamed the entire time in the waiting room. It was by far the worst service ever. I never wanted to become an activist mom, but this upsets me and I think I might have to reach out to them. Had Camden been sicker or something, I would have blown up that hospital today. But hey what do I know. I'm just a mother with a child! 5/17/2015 2 Comments ComfyI get so comfortable. So much so that I don't even notice. Little things here and there might spark a rise out of me or get my attention but for the most part when I'm comfortable, I act as such. I don't go out of my way, I don't mix it up, I don't try anything new. When I'm comfy, I'm complacent. Sunday I noticed I got comfy on God. There were things (little things) that I knew I needed to work on in order to grow my relationship to the next level. But I was so comfortable with where I was that I didn't work on anything. I just let those issues sit there and grow. When I first got saved I was so excited to live right and be like Christ. So I gave up a few things. The easy things! The things that might not seem easy but I dealt with the issues that were truly hurting me. Then the little things, the things that weren't life threatening, I held on to those. Because I thought "oh these aren't that serious". But here I am years later. Trying to figure out why I feel like God has gotten comfy with me. And on Sunday I got my answer. "Erica you sat down on me! You have been playing church for months and expect me to bless you". It's not God who isn't there with me. He's right here all the time. It's just that I've gotten so use to grace and mercy, that I've forgotten that faith without work is dead. I've been holding on to my issues because God was still blessing me inspite of. But now he's saying "fix your mess if you want me to take you to your expected end". So I've decided to give up everything. I want to live perfectly. I want what's due to me and the life I was promised. Sunday's message sparked something inside of me. Pushed me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes it's seems like we have forever to make certain changes in life. And even when we desire to change things we don't! Not because we don't want to, but because of who it might effect. I'm tired of living for other people. Tired of not being the Erica I want to be because others won't like it. My desire is to please God. My desire is to change the world. I want to live a righteous life. I don't want to be comfortable in God, I want to be SUPER in him. 4/18/2015 0 Comments Some people never changeIt's funny how you can go months without talking to someone. Even years, and nothing about them has changed at all. I had the pleasure to catch up with an old friend today. Talking about the past and what's new with us now, and it was like we never missed a beat. We had once been really close and could talk for hours really about nothing. And I got to thinking about change. So badly we want to change each other. You want him to be one way and he wants you to be another. But that's not what's suppose to change about people. We are suppose to evolve. Adapt to the changes around us but not change us. Who we are is exactly who God wanted us to be. We are to stay that way because he created us with purpose. I do think however, that we are to consider who we surround ourselves with. Be mindful of who they are and evolve to people too. Don't change your spots, as the quote says. But change how you respond, think, comprehend, and act based on the times and the people you are around. We don't need to change as much as we just need to learn to conform. I'm glad I was able to reconnect with a friend and still know her. She has evolved but my friend has proven to still have her same spots. 4/16/2015 4 Comments Some Idiot LadyI haven't been in the place to write. There has been much going on to write about but I just have not found the time. Then I overheard this idiot behind me while leaving the Cherry Blossom Festival last week with Camden and Z. ((Oh Z is the boyfriend btw)). Now I have so much to say since I didn't say it to her, mostly because Z would have had to break up a fight between an old hag and my skinny butt. There are a million people at the parade on Saturday. And like any smart parent with a three year old I had Camden in the stroller. It's a 17 block walk and we went to two different museums afterwards. There was no way Camden would last walking. And he would also need a nap at some point. While walking back to get on the metro and I guess after some other parent cuts her off with a stroller, this lady starts to lay into all parents that use strollers for walking kids. "They need to teach these kids that it's healthy to walk...kids are so lazy these days because parents are lazy...I made my kids walk everywhere...these kids are two and three they need to be walking". This pissed me off!!!! Because Camden is clearly three, soon to be four and I still use a stroller for long days out. The part that pisses me off the most is that she looked like she gave birth to her last child during the Stone Age. They didn't even have strollers so of course your kids walked everywhere. And I bet you wished you could have pushed them around in something rather than carry them everywhere when they didn't want to walk anymore. Plus what's wrong with me being lazy if I want to be?! NOTHING! If I want to enjoy the day myself too, I bring my stroller. If we are running into the mall for a second I don't bring it. If we are going to the park I leave it home, movies, stores, or pretty much anywhere these days...I leave it home. But if I'm walking long distances, amusement parks, festivals, or events where my child can get lost, I bring it along. Not just because I'm lazy but for safety reason and for the people around me. Who wants to walk behind a child that's walking and stopping every 5 seconds? Not you! Who wants to be the parent that has to hold up a whole crowd because their child decided it was time to have a fall out on 7th and Constitution? You don't want to be that person held up because that parent decided to pick the busiest day and most crowded to take on the adventure without a stroller. I need to stop talking about this because it's making me so mad! I'm regretting not turning around and saying "listen you old hag! You last parented a toddler in the mids 1700s ... Your opinion doesn't matter" Here are pics from the Parade nonetheless |